when two people love each other.....
Thats out little gummi bear baby a couple weeks ago. Its head is on the left facing down and it has little nubby hands and feet. Cutest gummi baby ever, right? I don't have the words to express the joy and overwhelmingly deep gratitude I feel for the privilege to carry this child. And that is enough, that is more than enough...to be excited and eagerly anticipate this baby's entrance into the world.
but also,
when two people love each other and get really close, and things don't work, and they take their temperature everyday and make charts, and go to dr.s, and get poked, and go to more dr.s and leave samples in cups, and get scary news, and go to more dr.s, and switch dr.s, and do expensive uncomfortable procedures, and take fertility drugs, and hope, and pray, and hope, and pray.........then they make a baby.
We tried for 15 months to make this baby. Thats doesn't sound like long now, but it felt like an eternity. And we were the lucky ones. I have friends who are going on years now. I hear stories of people going through much more invasive and expensive procedures all to have it not work. And the hope is the worst part, because the devastation is that much greater month after month after month. Its isolating. And you keep seeing other people get pregnant, and hearing about the "surprise accidents," everyone announcing their big news. And you ask, "why not me?"
I want to write this and be aware of this as we have just announced our big news. This baby deserves all the excitement and love surrounding it. And it warms my heart to see all the comments and receive all the congratulations and hugs and see the huge smiles. But I also know the other side. And know how it feels to see that excitement for someone else and just feel a deep sting.
This last year when i would write blog posts about my journey and about dreams, this was the journey i was actually talking about. The journey to make this baby.
We were lucky cause we got a diagnosis that could be treated. A lot of couples don't get a diagnosis and just keep jumping through physical and emotional hoops for years....waiting and hoping. It took us 8 months of testing to get that diagnosis. And you can't say that "it'll happen." Because that couple going through infertility is also dealing with a reality that it might not. Even to hear "keep praying" falls flat, because they've been praying. They've been doing everything, doing everything right. I felt like I walked around with a big red letter "I" stamped on my forehead and my medical records.
A few months ago we were sitting in church and the song we were singing was about God being mighty or a fortress or something....there were images showing behind the words on the screen of nature...mountains and clouds and oceans. And then there it was, an image of a fetus, and I started crying. If God is so mighty, if he can create all of this, why won't He do it for me. Thats all I could think. And I prayed to let me trust Him. i knew that He could, but why wouldn't He. He can create an entire ocean and sustain it and I just wanted him to create something so small inside of me. Did He even care? I was up and down all the time, asking so many questions and trying to have faith.
Its easy now looking back. It almost doesn't even matter anymore now that this baby is living and real. Our journey has gotten so much brighter.
I had a dream when we were in the middle of trying. Ryan and I had been on a trip and walked in the door of our parents house. The house was a weird mix of our two parents entry ways. I walk in and I say "where's my joy?" And this little blond boy comes running around the corner and says "here I am!" I kneel down on the ground and throw my arms open and he runs into them. The little boy looked like Ryan's baby pictures. I clung to that dream. I feel like God gave me that dream to let me know that it would happen and this child would be my greatest joy.
I believe thats real and true.
And really, is this not just going to be the greatest kid ever...........mix these two up and you get the kid of awesome!!
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